Profanities, Disney Princesses, and Parenting

This morning I heard a fascinating piece on National Public Radio, about how and why children start using profanities (hint: it has a lot to do with the parents).

An excerpt:

Many responses were similar to mom Julia Gordon of Silver Spring, Md. She was in her car, in a hurry and trying to park.

"The parking lot was crazy," says Gordon, a lawyer and mother of a four-year-old daughter. When someone sped into a parking space she had been waiting for, Gordon said under her breath, "He totally f***ed me."

And a few minutes later, she heard her daughter parrot back the same phrase.

"I have to admit I did laugh at first," says Gordon. "Then I immediately stopped and told her, 'We don't say that word!'"

[snip]

When it comes to choosing words, our society has a bent toward novelty. Pinker explains we're forever coming up with new ways to express that things are "good" or "bad." He says there's always a little "semantic inflation" going on.

For instance, if members of Generation X hear a song they like, they may say, "It's awesome." A teen of today may say, "It's bitchin'." If the song is lousy, they may say, "It sucks."

"When I was a kid and you said something sucks," says Pinker, "it was pretty clear what sexual act they were referring back to." But today kids have no idea. The term is just part of their common language.

Frequent use, over time, has stripped away the original connotation. Pinker says the evolution of "sucks" is similar to that of "jerk" or "sucker."

Although our children are not quite the age when they start using words that might be considered profanity, I imagine that this is one of the many challenges of parenting and raising children in our society's moral climate.

An op-ed piece in today's Los Angeles Times by Rosa Brooks talks about her challenges in getting her 6- and 3-year old daughters to expand their horizons beyond the world of Disney Princesses.

..once upon a time, the Disney princesses lived their separate lives, waiting innocuously for their princes to come. You could buy a "Cinderella" book or a "Little Mermaid" doll, but, when you did so, you were establishing an allegiance to a particular character's story, not to an abstract "Princess concept." The princesses lived separately and were marketed separately.

As Peggy Orenstein documented in a 2006 New York Times Magazine article, that changed in 2000, when Disney decided that, henceforth, the princesses would collude. They went from princesses to "Princess" -- as Disney execs call the fast-growing product line marketed collectively under just that logo. Merged into a sort of uber-princess, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine and the older members of the gang formed a vast global conspiracy to turn a bunch of aging animated films into cold, hard cash -- faster than Cinderella's fairy godmother could turn a pumpkin into a coach.

I have to admit, Disney Princess has established a firm footing in our household, despite my reservations when we received as gifts our first Disney Princess child's table and toddler bed. But I don't agree with Brooks that an interest in princess-related materials will necessarily limit girls from broadening their horizons beyond the passive, wait-to-be-rescued mentality she sees. Bruno Bettelheim's makes a powerful argument in his groundbreaking book The Uses of Enchantment that fairy tales including Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Snow White have powerful influence on children's development, and actually help their maturation process.

Photo courtesy of Michael A. Keller/zefa/Corbis, via the NPR website.

UCLA Japanese garden

On Friday I took my mom to visit the Hannah Carter Japanese Garden, which is owned by UCLA but about a mile north of the campus.

About ten years ago I remember looking up all the Japanese gardens in the Los Angeles area, and being surprised that UCLA had one (you almost have to search for it to find out that it exists). In any case, I had the opportunity to go last week, and I thought my mother might enjoy seeing it as well, so I made a reservation through email. The garden is (inconveniently) only open on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 10 AM to 3 PM.

And because it is in the middle of an exclusive Bel-Air neighborhood, there is no street parking, and the small parking lot will only accommodate two vehicles at a time.

Inside the traditional Japanese gate is a tranquil garden with a large pond near its opening, flowing streams, and a curious mixture of Japanese buildings and design, and plant life native to Southern California. Because the garden was built between 1959 and 1961 on what was the backyard of a local estate, most of the garden is on a steep hillside, and touring the garden involves visiting the different areas while climbing up to the top of the hillside and then climbing back down to the entrance.

Along the way, there are potted bonsai trees, a viewing deck, a Buddhist shrine, an outdoor sunken bath, benches for sitting and viewing, a small pagoda, stepping stones across the pond, and stone animals like chickens and turtles.

All in all, it was a wonderful way to escape from the vicissitudes of daily life for an hour (the limit of a reservation), and enjoy the beauty and peace of a public Japanese garden in the middle of Los Angeles.

Double-Doubles from the Drive-Through

I opened up the Los Angeles Times today and found this story about the In 'n' Out fast food chain causing problems because its drive-through windows are too popular.

The drive-through windows are causing traffic nightmares for adjoining businesses, as well as for traffic control in their local neighborhoods, as cars wait on the streets to enter the parking lot and the drive-through line. Partly to relieve this problem, the corporate office in Irvine is trying to open more restaurants to relieve the overcrowding.

If you're not from greater Los Angeles or Southern California and don't know about In 'n' Out, it's a restaurant chain with burgers, french fries, and milkshakes like McDonald's or Burger King, but they use high-quality ingredients, customize your order, and own all their locations (no franchises). As a result, a lot of people think of their famous Double Double hamburgers not as fast-food but almost as gourmet. I've read that a lot of people in the entertainment industry love In 'n' Out religiously, and I've had a former work colleague from East Asia claim that it was the only really worthwhile restaurant food he had found in Los Angeles.

My wife really loves the hamburgers, so we probably go once a month or so. The restaurants that have drive-through seem to always have lines running around the parking lot, though they have people with walkie-talkies and clipboards to take your order before you get to the window to speed the process.

But because the food is not made in advance, the drive-through option doesn't take much less time than parking your car, going inside, ordering, and getting your food. I can appreciate that patrons with kids sleeping or watching videos in the car, or disabled patrons would rather wait in their vehicles.

But I don't think that accounts for most of the people in the drive-through. As a person who enjoys using public transit whenever possible, I just can't understand why most people aren't willing to walk a few yards and go inside to eat. Maybe it's the car culture of Los Angeles, where people would rather drive three blocks to go to the gym (as long as the parking is convenient) to workout on a treadmill or stair-climbing machine. And don't ever mention to your work colleagues or social group that you took the bus somewhere.

How to get your kids to do what you want them to

My wife and I went to a parenting seminar offered by our local Los Angeles Unified School District elementary school last evening. The author/speaker was a woman from London who does seminars in both England and the United States (through sales of her books and CDs and fees to attend the seminars). We had to RSVP, and the 150 seats in the school auditorium were mostly full. The school also provided free childcare, which really came in handy for parents, since the seminar lasted about two hours.

I salute the school parents' association for offering programming designed to help parents with their efforts to be better parents and make the job of parenting less stressful and with less conflict with their children. A couple of parents had heard the speaker, I believe, in Northern California, and found her insights and technique valuable enough to want to share with the local school community.

The woman was an effective speaker and made a convincing argument. Her seminar came with loads of testimonials about the effectiveness of her techniques, so my wife and I are looking forward to introducing them into the chaotic world of raising young children and its constant battles of trying to get them to do what we want.

Her basic theory is that cooperation is the "gateway habit" that helps foster other valuable habits that we want to cultivate in our children, such as motivation and self-reliance. If you've read the literature on parenting, you probably have heard that being consistent is the key to good parenting. The speaker emphasized this, and her techniques were aimed at being consistent in helping children to be more cooperative with parents.

In order to motivate children, she said that it's important not to overly praise your children (for example, saying "good job!" for every little thing your child does, like putting on her socks or eating food). Most busy parents also spend too much time NOT paying attention to their kids except when the kids are doing things that the parents don't want them to do, and the parent's spotlight of attention turns onto the children.

Rather, she said it's much more effective to offer "descriptive praise" to your children all day long, for anything your child is doing which is okay (not bad, not great). The key is to reinforce this satisfactory behavior, and give the child a reason to want to do more things which feel cooperative to the parent.

The speaker said a good phrase to use is "I notice that....", such as "I notice you have been sitting quietly without making a fuss" or "I notice you and your brother have been sharing the toys and not fighting". Eventually, you as a parent want to start targeting your child's habits that you find annoying, and giving descriptive praise to your child when she is not doing that thing.

For example, if you want to stop your child from picking his nose, you would tell your child, "I notice that you are not picking your nose" all throughout during the day whenever you notice your child NOT picking his nose. It's good to use this praise both during okay behavior, and then to recycle the praise again later, such as at bedtime.

The second main point was that you can prevent uncooperative behavior by being proactive about it, and through frequent "talk-throughs" during the day. During a neutral time when you are not upset with your child and everything is calm, have a dialog with your child about what she is supposed to be doing in certain situations.
When you do this dialog, you the parent should be asking the child about what she should do and letting her tell you, instead of telling her what she should do.

For example: PARENT- When you are finished playing with your toys, what do you do with them? CHILD- I dunno. PARENT- Is it okay to leave them on the floor, and then go to your room and use your computer? CHILD- No. PARENT- Where should your toys go after you have finished playing? CHILD- Inside the toy box. PARENT- Who is going to put them back in the toy box? CHILD- Me. PARENT- So what are you going to do after you finish playing with your toys? CHILD- I'm going to put them back in the toy box.

By talking about it, the child will mentally create a visual image of themselves doing this correct behavior, and this will reinforce the behavior in their mind.

In any case, I am looking forward to trying out these techniques. If they seem to work, my wife and I would like to buy some of the speaker's products to reinforce the techniques she has outlined. t

Abolish daylight saving time

As Sunday's return to daylight saving time approaches, I am re-publishing this commentary I originally posted in November 2005, when most of the country returned to standard time.

I also posted last November about a scientific study that showed that human internal clocks are disrupted for the entire period of daylight saving time.

On Sunday, daylight savings will end in most of the United States, including the state where I live.

Monday was the first regular workday following the time change, and I will be returning home in complete darkness, an abrupt shift from the previous workweek.

I don’t travel very often, but when I do, I find it difficult to adjust to a time zone change of two or three hours. One hour is less difficult, but I think most people accept changing time as part of the effort of traveling.

But when it comes to Daylight Saving Time, the majority of the country has no choice whatsoever. Essentially, shifting from standard time to daylight savings time and back again forces most Americans to shift time zones twice a year, as if they were moving from Chicago to New York time and back, forcing their internal clocks to adjust to the change.

I imagine you are thinking, "What's the big deal? You take a couple days to get adjusted, and then you forget about it."

I think it’s obvious that in the spring, many people have trouble the first few days, probably feeling a little more sleepy and less alert than usual. Though I’ve never seen any studies, I strongly suspect there is a higher rate of traffic accidents and other such incidents during the first days after changing to daylight savings time.

I understand that supporters of daylight saving time argue that energy is saved during the summer because it doesn’t get dark until later, during hours when people are normally active. Lights don’t have to be turned on because the sun is still out. People can enjoy their outdoor activities for an extra hour.

And yet the sudden shift from twilight at 6 pm to complete darkness at 6 pm a few days later seems to me as going against our basic connection to nature and the earth, to have our schedules shifted so dramatically and unnaturally.

During college I spent one (fall) semester in Japan. I didn’t realize what had happened until I had returned to the states and went through the time shift the next year. But during that fall, I experienced the days getting shorter through September and October, the days and nights got colder gradually. And it was pleasant, and it seemed natural, that the seasons turned gradually, without the abrupt shift of a time change.

Ever since, I've dreaded the return of the time shifts twice a year. Most people probably just accept it. But if you live through a whole half-year in a country without daylight saving time, I'd imagine you would feel the way I do.