My wife and I went to a parenting seminar offered by our local Los Angeles Unified School District elementary school last evening. The author/speaker was a woman from London who does seminars in both England and the United States (through sales of her books and CDs and fees to attend the seminars). We had to RSVP, and the 150 seats in the school auditorium were mostly full. The school also provided free childcare, which really came in handy for parents, since the seminar lasted about two hours.
I salute the school parents' association for offering programming designed to help parents with their efforts to be better parents and make the job of parenting less stressful and with less conflict with their children. A couple of parents had heard the speaker, I believe, in Northern California, and found her insights and technique valuable enough to want to share with the local school community.
The woman was an effective speaker and made a convincing argument. Her seminar came with loads of testimonials about the effectiveness of her techniques, so my wife and I are looking forward to introducing them into the chaotic world of raising young children and its constant battles of trying to get them to do what we want.
Her basic theory is that cooperation is the "gateway habit" that helps foster other valuable habits that we want to cultivate in our children, such as motivation and self-reliance. If you've read the literature on parenting, you probably have heard that being consistent is the key to good parenting. The speaker emphasized this, and her techniques were aimed at being consistent in helping children to be more cooperative with parents.
In order to motivate children, she said that it's important not to overly praise your children (for example, saying "good job!" for every little thing your child does, like putting on her socks or eating food). Most busy parents also spend too much time NOT paying attention to their kids except when the kids are doing things that the parents don't want them to do, and the parent's spotlight of attention turns onto the children.
Rather, she said it's much more effective to offer "descriptive praise" to your children all day long, for anything your child is doing which is okay (not bad, not great). The key is to reinforce this satisfactory behavior, and give the child a reason to want to do more things which feel cooperative to the parent.
The speaker said a good phrase to use is "I notice that....", such as "I notice you have been sitting quietly without making a fuss" or "I notice you and your brother have been sharing the toys and not fighting". Eventually, you as a parent want to start targeting your child's habits that you find annoying, and giving descriptive praise to your child when she is not doing that thing.
For example, if you want to stop your child from picking his nose, you would tell your child, "I notice that you are not picking your nose" all throughout during the day whenever you notice your child NOT picking his nose. It's good to use this praise both during okay behavior, and then to recycle the praise again later, such as at bedtime.
The second main point was that you can prevent uncooperative behavior by being proactive about it, and through frequent "talk-throughs" during the day. During a neutral time when you are not upset with your child and everything is calm, have a dialog with your child about what she is supposed to be doing in certain situations.
When you do this dialog, you the parent should be asking the child about what she should do and letting her tell you, instead of telling her what she should do.
For example: PARENT- When you are finished playing with your toys, what do you do with them? CHILD- I dunno. PARENT- Is it okay to leave them on the floor, and then go to your room and use your computer? CHILD- No. PARENT- Where should your toys go after you have finished playing? CHILD- Inside the toy box. PARENT- Who is going to put them back in the toy box? CHILD- Me. PARENT- So what are you going to do after you finish playing with your toys? CHILD- I'm going to put them back in the toy box.
By talking about it, the child will mentally create a visual image of themselves doing this correct behavior, and this will reinforce the behavior in their mind.
In any case, I am looking forward to trying out these techniques. If they seem to work, my wife and I would like to buy some of the speaker's products to reinforce the techniques she has outlined. t
